Forgiveness

Sorry seems to be the hardest word. That is, at least according to the famous song by Elton John. Yet it is not just saying sorry which is difficult. It’s forgiving people when they have done us wrong which can really test us. Examples of lack of forgiveness can be seen dramatically online. A few years ago, a woman made a horrible joke on Twitter just as she got on a long-haul flight to Cape Town. By the time she arrived, she found that thousands of people online had called for her to be sacked and sent her hateful messages. Some people even travelled to the airport so they could see her face when she turned her phone on and saw all the messages. There was a glee in hating this woman. Forgiveness was not an option.

Yet not all incidents need to be as dramatic as this. Sometimes even small hurts from our dearest family members can be difficult to forgive, let alone others in our community or at work.

Logically this doesn’t make any sense. If we accept the ‘Golden Rule’, and ‘always treat others as you would like them to treat you’ (Matthew 7:12) then we should want to forgive others quickly. Afterall, none of us would want our lives ruined for a single mistake, online or in person. If we are honest, we have all done wrong ourselves and need the forgiveness of others just as they need our forgiveness. How can we withhold our forgiveness but expect it from others?

Here are three of the many reasons people find it hard to forgive. Which ones resonate with you?

1.Forgiveness carries a real cost. Consider for a moment the language used around revenge. “Make them pay”, “you owe me”, “payback”. They all point to the fact that when we do wrong against another we create a debt that must be paid. We really do owe them. Yet to forgive someone is to release them from this debt whether or not they have paid it. This is costly and it is unsurprising we find this difficult.

2.Forgiveness and victimhood. Victimhood is a powerful identity for the one who has been wronged. At its best, it can drive them towards justice no matter what barriers are put in their way. At its worst, it can make us bitter, distrustful, and stop us engaging with life and its problems. We will always struggle to give up any identity, let alone one as powerful as this.

3.Forgiveness is daunting. There can be real fears attached to forgiving someone else. What if by forgiving them I make myself look weak? Or I become a doormat for others? At other times we can worry that forgiving someone means giving up any hope of justice in a situation.

It is this last reason which is easiest to answer. It is important to note what forgiveness is not.
Forgiveness does not mean you have to pretend the event never happened or let the forgiven person treat you however they want to. It does not mean you never feel hurt from the wrong others have done. Neither does it mean the forgiven person does not need to face the full consequences of any laws they might have broken. When I lived in Dundee, I read a wonderful story in the local paper about a woman who forgave a man who had tried to kidnap her. She let go of all bitterness towards him. But the man still rightly went to prison. She forgave him at his sentencing.

So what about the first two reasons for not forgiving?

To answer those, lets look at the greatest example of forgiveness – given by Jesus. During his ministry Jesus taught his followers to forgive their enemies. And he did the same himself. As Jesus was being crucified, literally stretched out on a cross for his execution, he called out ‘Father, forgive them’ (Luke 23:34). Jesus was forgiving those who were killing him and prayed that they would know God’s forgiveness as well. Yet this was not just a great example. During his ministry Jesus declared that he had come ‘to give his life as a ransom for many’ (Mark 10:45). Jesus came to pay the debt we have all incurred for the wrong things we have done. As he was put to death he asked for his enemies’ debt to be cancelled, and provided the payment that made it possible.

This payment by Jesus allows us to forgive freely. We know the debt has already been paid by another. But it also calls us to a new identity for ourselves – from seeing ourselves as victimised to seeing ourselves as forgiven, as people who have been bought at a price.

It is for this reason that Jesus taught his followers to connect the forgiving of others with the forgiveness we have received. In the Lord’s Prayer, or Our Father, Jesus taught his followers to pray “forgive us”, “as we forgive others”. Some traditions use the language of forgiving trespasses, those times we have overstepped the mark. Other traditions use the language of forgiving debts, the payment due. But the meaning is the same. Once we consider how Jesus has forgiven us – and how he has done so – so we can in turn forgive others.

Forgiving is not easy. It is hard and costly. But when we look at what Jesus did we know we can forgive others. For some of us that might start by receiving forgiveness for the first time from God. For others, it might mean reminding ourselves of the forgiveness we have already received. May we forgive as the Lord has forgiven us.

Rev Tom Penman, Minister of South Uist and Benbecula Free Church